Not forgotten....

Just so much has been happening since I last posted anything.

Wow, my father's birthday had just passed when I last posted and my mother's was to come, along with what would have been their 51st Wedding Anniversary.

All the while with mom's sanction I went to San Francisco to get my Teacher Training 2 Certification and meeting some of the most wonderful ladies that Facebook has allowed to meeting and of course they are fellow Sister Studios too.  Yeah Yeah...I know whateva ;)

We had a most wonderful Thanksgiving day...spending it with friends and it turns out that was the last "out of their home" function that a very dear friend ill with cancer was able to attend. 

Thanksgiving is starting to give me a complex if I let it, but I am looking at it now as a means of Thanks...for allowing Mr Man and I to share time with people that mean a lot to us and even if it is the last time we see/share with them, we need to be Thankful they shared that time with us.

This is the second year in a row that Thanksgiving was a significant marker to losing two friends to cancer.  Along with it being the first major holiday without my father.  It was tough to be sure.

This was following another long time friend that also died of cancer in October.  Too much too much toomuch.
5 deaths of closer friends in 18 months - 3 in 4 months....bleh

Anyway the good stuff...September marked one year as a Sister Studio for me, and November was one year teaching in Seattle, my main location now.

Teaching has been wonderful not only teaching others what it is that I love, but also teaching me about being a teacher and about me.  A wonderous journey to be sure.

My mind just has started bouncing around now, so my train of thought is rolling down some other track of babble land so before it gets there I think I am going to hold up for now and come back to this later.

So ciao for now only!

not sure what is up...

Today is a day where I am feeling troubled ... inside.
I am having a deep feeling of loss and of being lost in a sea of whirling waters.
Invisible and swallowed up at the same time.

Today, I am highly affected being brought to tears negatively by stranded/abandoned animals in a shelter and again to tears by the shear beauty of a gorgeous horse and its gentle trainer and the love that they have for one another.

Today, I am feeling a deep sense of not being afraid to die but yet not wanting to die because I would miss out on the beauty that is this world, even with the true horrors that are out there too.  I don't wear rose colored glasses, but the affect it has on me to see the "reality" of some things would kill me, this I know so unfortunately I have to opt out of looking at that aspect of reality to a certain degree.

Today, I want to hide, yet if I do, the fear of being forgotten overwhelms me.

Fear is truly the only thing to be afraid of yet, that isn't truly accurate either.

Today, I am not sure what is up inside me, so goes another day to start again.

So, I hope to....

Whoa...

I had quite the weekend...alllll over the place both physically and emotionally.

Wow...how it broke down.

Friday - woke up feeling a bit under-the-weather.  I taken a day of vacation so we (Mr Man and I) could test drive the new Nissan Leaf.  We are currently signed up to get one of these brand new electric cars and now we are even more excited about getting it.  Short test drive but worth it.
Then we were off to a convention that we were on the planning committee for the last year to get it running.  So, off to the hotel to check in...YAY...we got our room early :)  So I took advantage of the time to rest while Mr Man did "his" thing that he was scheduled to do.  That night we had the opening ceremonies and that went off technically without a hitch, however, my definition of a color guard and what happened were two different things.  Nothing offensive just not what I would have preferred nor would I have organized if I had known what was going to happen.  I was a bit stunned to be sure but again, it was amateurish at best but it wasn't offensive as a whole.
That night we met with some friends to have dinner off the convention center's site, which was very nice and enjoyable.

Saturday - We woke early, attending workshops that interested us, but I had to watch my time because there was a performance that night on the opposite end of town.  Also, I was getting a bit worse with my ailment so I did manage to slip away for all the activities and friends to rest.  That sucked cause I wanted to be more active and interactive with people, but it didn't happen that way. 
Mid afternoon it came time to costume up for dancing that night and off I went to get some nibbles for the event - a Renn/SCA type event.  My students managed to forge their way there from near and far to put their awesome best foot forward.  I couldn't have been more please and proud of my babies.  From those experiencing ATS performance for the first time even just hanging out in the chorus (an important part) to those getting more experience under their belts out in "front" - the kicker was this was their first time with live musicians...and they rocked it.  Course the musicians were used to newbies so they were able to handle the song perfectly both with my cue and without :)  Love it!~  (Was upset that someone snarked about my male dancer...that plainly made me mad when I found out, but I digress).  The night was a bit longer than anticipated but not unreasonable. I headed back to the convention to rejoin the group and get back into that "environment" again.

Sunday - We had to get up a bit early to attend a graveside unveiling of the headstone of my dear friend Gypsy Jill, it is nearly the one year anniversary.  It was VERY intense, more than I expected.  Seeing the people there, sharing our thoughts, and experiencing the unveiling was a bit more overwhelming for us both.  However, due to our obligation at the convention we were not able to attend the brunch afterwards, and honestly, I think it was a wise choice as it allowed us to digest what we were feeling more quickly as the emotions were not lingering longer for us making it more difficult to shake.  So, back to the convention again. More workshops, then I had to leave again to go teach class that night. These classes turned out awesome...more people, more "I get it faces" and just more knowledge being passed on!  Afterwards, I had to return to the "After Party" event for the convention...so back again I went.  Before being able to go home.

To say that I felt like a yoyo in my own world would be an understatement, it was intense, it was fun, it was highly emotional and still is because today is my capper.

Today would have been my Father's 73rd birthday...need I say more.

That is all for now.

Girls Weekend...

More truth than poetry as a whole.

This was the weekend that my mother and father would have ended their two month long trip around the country...ending it in Leavenworth WA with the rest of their RV group.  (This is apparently their last group campout for the season.)  Well, needless to say, that two month trip did not happen for my parents.

It was a hard weekend because of this - my father dying just days before the trip was to commence and my mother feeling alone with the potential loss of her friends through the RV group on top of the loss of my father. 

I wanted to make sure she still felt a connection and the reality that things may change but maybe not as much as she thinks...I am hopeful anyway.

So, I wanted to make sure she went to Leavenworth to see people, so that was the plan I presented.  Well, she accepted.  Her and her dogs made the trek to my home...even though I had to go find her and bring her in so she wouldn't get lost.  Timing on the highway was a bit more than she could bear when she hadn't driven that way in many years...it apparently changed a lot.  So, once at the house she and her two pups got to have a weekend with me and the kitties.  Yep, don't think that wasn't interesting, but fortunately it all worked out wonderfully.

I have so much more to add, but time is my enemy at this moment in time, so I will share more later.
Bye for now only cause the clock is ticking. :)

Boundaries... (repost from FB Note)

That is always something that I have struggled with...having my own personal boundaries and keeping my own integrity, belief system, values, time lines, personal preferences as the priority not the secondary or tertiary or just plain the bottom of the pile to other peoples agendas.

I have always been most agreeable to most anything that was tossed out, suggested to do, or make or whatever in being a part of a team, but many a time I didn't "believe" in what was being done but I went along.  Occasionally I might offer another suggestion or say "I don't care for that but if that is what everyone else wants...okay".  Many a time I just didn't see it worth the "battle" (in my mind) to say "no" or "I don't think so"...

It took me many many many years to finally say "No" - either "I can't do that" "I don't have the time" "I can't commit to that level currently" or simply "I don't like that", etc.

The funny part (and not ha ha funny) is that when I was agreeable and all on board I "tried too hard" or when I stood up and say "No" then I was argumentative, questioning, or being a bitch.
Shit...where is the line drawn where I too can have the right to say "Yay" or "Nay" without being drawn and quartered for having my own agenda or values or integrity etc....you get the point.

I have been stunned over the years at the horrid things I have been accused of doing, or the double standard I was held to and not others... I just don't get it.
I finally had to resign myself to the idea that others needed justification in their mind to say what they did to justify what they were doing and maybe they truly believed it?  Okay...scape goat?  I don't know, but I had to be at peace in my own heart that I did the best I could with whatever I had in front of me to work with at the time.  In the end, it usually has ended up for the better for me.  Where I moved onto doing my own thing with my own ideas and my own values and I am personally happier from it in the big picture.

It still is a struggle on occasion when I hear or am reminded of something that happened and the twist that has now been spun on it, but then I remember the source and just try to put it out of my mind and get on with what I know and life in general.

We all encounter this, it is all left up to personal interpretation, and point of view - but please know my intent in life is genuinely honorable and good...but I am human and I screw up too.

Let's remember this of one another...we are all human but let's also try not to hurt others in the process of "getting ahead" and trampling over each others boundaries.  Let's keep that in mind when dealing with other human beings...we DON'T have to agree, but agreeing to disagree and come to an amicable resolution is a better solution than slicing and dicing up that other person along the way.

Time is passing .... (from blog post on Tribe)

the heart and mind are trying to heal and process, but there are moments in time when I think of my Father gone that it is just not real.

It is coming up on a month now since he passed so quietly and unexpectedly at home. It seems from the moment I arrived at the house, it was like I became my Father's keeper. Okay, that is odd sounding but let me explain.

Of course my Mother tended to his medical needs in getting help there to try to resuscitate him, but once I arrived it was me who organized what and when things were going

start happening when it came to Dad's spiritual home.
Contacting the proper place to get Him. I organized the appointment in order to make the decisions on what was going to happen with Him and making sure that proper things were in place for Him and my Mother's needs. And - when it came time to pick Him up, it was me - getting the opportunity to share our last Father/Daughter time together. Now, it seems that when it comes time to take Him to his final resting place, I again will be tending to Him, per my Mother's request.

Now, I do have a brother, who was there through part of this process, but it has been left to me to handle these things. Don't know if it has anything to do with being the oldest, or a "woman" or or or what....
It just is what it is...
The last month has been a blur in so many ways, with all the things that have to happen and need to happen...so as the day is approaching that Dad will be placed in his niche' the reality of it is really hitting home.

So much to still do for Mom but that day will finalize the reality of his death...I am not looking forward to this at all, bu I will do what I must - to honor Him and His memory as best I can...for I am His keeper.

Even in silly hats and playing a Satyr...I was the one there with them...keeping them happy and safe.

Reality hits...

First off...I have been called Narcissistic by a past relationship as it was ending.  I have been tormented by those words for years, I researched the term, the disorder etc, for quite a while - only to find that I am "normal" in that area of my personality ... for we all have some narcissistic tendencies usually brought on by insecurity or self confidence.  It is when it goes over the top that it is the negative and self-absorbed disorder.

This term has reemerged in my life but not about me...about some people in my life.  A term that is actually more intense that is a Narcissistic Sociopath.

Reality hit in the fact that I was raised by one, fortunately not as severe, based on the information out there but still one.  I have some conflicts that I am dealing with inside myself because of this knowledge and finding out how really unemotional they can be and self-absorbed and just "numb" to anything else in the world outside of themselves.  Secretive, deceitful, manipulative etc. *sigh*

Now, just because those words appear (and this is an overly simplistic description of the disorder because this is about how it affects me on a personal level...please research it out for yourself for more complete information if this resonates at all) does not mean we all fall into that category or those we love are Narcissistic Sociopaths. 

I have now found because I was raised by one, I over the years have been drawn to that type of personality, and wondered what I did to deserve the lack of love, the lack of empathy/sympathy, lack of emotion from my partners when the relationships were going on and were ending. 
Now, I understand.  It has really shown itself based on a more recent relationship that nearly destroyed me to the ultimate level.  I survived that relationship and its ending but it has tormented me for a long time since...now that I have had to face this personality disorder recently, I now see why I have been tormented.

My healing is finally here.  I have the most wonderful partner in my life, and honestly it confused me because it is so "not" like past relationships (thank goodness) and this partner unequivocally loves me, respects me, and wants me to be happy and happy with him. 
No his is NOT a puppy dog with me, we are quite equal in our relationship, and we compliment each other with each of our strengths and weaknesses, so we work very well together this way.  I am thrilled to come to find that he is not a Narcissistic Sociopath, maybe the cycle of that will be gone in my intimate personal life.

I know it is not gone in my life as a whole but now maybe I can thwart any problems with this sort of personality by keeping them at a personally safe distance from my insides. (Insides meaning emotionally.)

I have so much more to think on this and research but it feels good to acknowledge this and see it for what it really has been in my life and why.  Not a good thing, but it is part of what makes me and now I know how to deal with it.

Reality hits...
Now it is my turn to thwart its potential negativeness...
Keeping myself "real" "compassionate" as well as all the things I do express and feel has more meaning to me now.
Healing and self-preservation is a good thing too. ;)

A flow of thoughts...

status via Facebook 8/30/10:
I am finding myself really irritated tonight. I haven't felt good all day so I worked from home...bonus. However, I am still thinking about my father and I am thinking about all the stuff that has to get accomplished for my mother and I am thinking about some inconsiderate stuff that happened that shouldn't have....yes, I am a bit irriated but I am trying to shake it off....losing.

journal via another Social network 8/30/10:
too many thoughts tonight - I feel lost, I am losing myself in the process of all that has happened over time and especially with what is happening now.

Yep, service oriented I must be...but I am lost along the way. :(
 
journal via another Social network 8/30/10:
Life....
comes one day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Until the time it ends moving into another realm of "Life"...

The rest of us that remain when one leaves can be full of sorrow and dispair but it also can be so full that you don't know which way to turn to get all things settled to continue into the future.
That is my life right now...
Not what I thought it would be but it is...
so one step at a time...
and remembering to be patient with myself as well as others...
another breath, another step...
and trying to remember to smile for Dad - that he would prefer.
 :::...Thank you so much Red...it is just so overwhelming the urge to scream from the highest rooftop/mountain or what have you. I am calmer now, but the memory remains on some of this that shouldn't have been there to begin with...but it is now, so am just trying to deal. :)


status via another Social network 8/30/10:
icyjazzy is feeling a range of emotions at the moment...hilarity, anger, disappointment...you name it...just irritated on lots of levels that are rousing these emotions.............

Here and now::::...
Wow...I am just full of hurt, anger, dismay, distress, and whatever other emotion that someone might attach to the events of this last week and then some.  Guess it is starting to wear on me a bit...I have to remain the rock where necessary though...no other way to be.

Life Changes:::...

I wish I had written my thoughts down yesterday like I had intended.  Yesterday was a good day for me, today is not so much.

I was not anticipating that at this stage in my life that I would be dealing with the death of my Father.  He was vibrant, active, and yes, slowing down but full of life, but apparently his body said otherwise.

On August 19th, I saw my Father online - I messaged him, saying hello, and asking a question .... he never answered.  He "never" never answers.  Time passed and eventually the message light went out.  Little did I know how profound that little light would be in marking when my Father died. 

My Mother had contacted me and I contacted my Brother...all the stars had aligned apparently ...we pulled together instantly and were by my Mother's side as quickly as we could arrive.  We got to see my Father "sleep" one last time.

Events started to have to unfold immediately...funeral home, finding paperwork...you name it - it had to be done as quickly as possible to start the process to help my Mother.

The funeral home, I called....they took longer getting there than any of us were comfortable with...while we got to share time if desired with Dad...it was starting to feel weird, we wanted him taken care of properly.  They arrived and it was time for him to leave.  He left with the Flag properly draped over him...he deserved this and had earned the Right.  For he served his country proudly for 21 years in the Air Force, retiring as a Lt Col.  This comforted all of us during this time.

Since then it has been nothing but one thing after another - being there for one another, trying to figure out what/why etc. since this was unexpected.  But when we look back a lot of the indicators were there that this was going to happen soon, and fortunately, naturally.  He was not ill, it was just "His time"....doesn't mean we like it but that is comforting in itself.

The days following have been quite the roller coaster ride.  Decisions being made, that some might think were too soon or too rash, but we all have agreed so it means it is right for us.  People have been supportive, but I have to say there are some situations that I am confused about...pushing the line of hypocritical but I cannot worry about others in that manner.  They have to contend with that aspect within themselves, not me other than protecting those I love if need be.  I am there for my family and making sure that my Father is properly honored, remembered, and respected in the manner he deserved. 

The realistic part has not left me though...for my Father was not perfect, no Father is, and he had some severe issues that people have placed blame elsewhere and have cast a level of judgment that they have no right to do.  This is the time to maybe make amends and heal.  Unfortunately, my Father is no longer here to see this or be a part of it...but I hope he looks down and is trying to help it happen for family is truly the most important thing in life, we need to be there for one another.

Now, family is what you make it...chosen or blood, preferably both. :)

Emo crap?

Lately I have been having a tough time with my emotions. 

Are they generated by my age, or are they generated by my medical issues currently, or are they generated by some other unidentified source?  Well, obviously if I am asking the questions, I don't know.

I just know that I am more emotional than I have been in a long time, both in the highs of enjoyment and excitement, to the lows of sadness.  Now, I am not running a maniac gambit, I just have the emotional roller coaster, but it seems to be a bit more obvious to me lately.

I try desperately to keep it away from others, unless I am "happy" LOL but when something other than happy I genuinely do "try" to keep that to myself, including not burdening it onto my partner.

While I am happy in my life, I am not happy with certain aspects it seems - duh, like the rest if the human race.  It is just lately that it seems to affect me more emotionally...hence this post.

I am not sure what to do with it, other than ride it out, not give in to it, and just press forward but I have to say there are times it affects my drive in how I pursue things in life.  While I have drive to do the best I can no matter what it is that I am doing, my drive to do the things wanes and waivers around.  Sort of like procrastinating but it isn't about "not" wanting to do it ... just not feeling the drive to do it. 

The emotional pull tends to feel as if I am fighting not only with myself, but with others around me with how this emotional issue affects me inside.  I am NOT actually fighting with anyone, but it is that internal struggle.

I want to succeed, I want to achieve, I want to share, I want to be a part of whatever it is that I am being a part of, but it is a struggle inside at times.  Fortunately with the medical stuff going on, yes, I am going to seek some medical advice on what might be a contributing factor. 

I do know that I need to keep on keeping on as the old adage says, and do more endorphin boosting with my hiking and such.  I tend to feel so much better when I am able to get out into the sunshine, expend some good physically challenging energy...but don't we all when we get ourselves moving.  That part is a no brainer for me, but it is obvious that it might be a touch more than that...hormones? Crap back to that again...age?  Whatever the basis, I will deal with it and pursue avenues to keep my head up, my smile going, and forge forward to do what I love to do and what to share with others.

Another mole hill trying to be a mountain...a smaller mountain to conquer. :)

The Aftermath:::...

Today is a better day than was the craziness of last week.  A week of work wildness and prep for my day surgery.

Fortunately, the surgery wasn't a life threatening procedure it was a preventive one to remove a precancerous growth...so just gettin' it gone - but it was surgery nonetheless.

This was the first time I have had an "in operating room in a hospital surgery" that wasn't emergency generated.  Sure I had my eyes done but I went to the office and I entered into their little medical procedure area that had surgical stuff but it wasn't in a hospital operating room.  Sure I had my colonoscopy that they knocked me out in order to do it, but again, I went to their office, into their tiny pre-procedure area then the little room with medical "stuff"  but it wasn't in a hospital operating room. 

So, to say I was a bit nervous would be a fair assumption.

Fortunately, I was not alone, so that was a helpful thing for me to keep grounded since I have never had to "think" about surgery, it just always happened too fast to think about it.  Well, it didn't help when my scheduled room time got pushed back by an hour and a half.  Bleh...but I got less nervous as time wore on, now I just wanted to get it done and over with that day.

I got my wish, eventually. :)

The back end of the process was fast for me.  The 90 minute recovery time allotment was only 55 minutes for me...mainly because I was awaken very quickly as the recovery room staff was moving/dressing/prepping me or whatever and they spotted my tattoos on my arms.  Well, apparently that got everyone's attention, including mine as I popped right out of anesthesia so quickly that I was acknowledging them acknowledging my ink...well, that surprised them and boy they did whatever they were doing quickly LOL. 

The pain I might have felt per the medical staff's warning, never appeared.  Hell my normal cramping was worse than what I have been feeling all along, but I am being smart and keeping ahead of any discomfort with mild pain relievers...yay!

So, the weekend consisted of just not pushing but not just sitting on my ass either.  I was nice that way.  Nice to have the preventive stuff almost done now.  Between the other precancerous growth removals, now I have a round of antibiotics to kill a bacteria that is the link to ulcers and stomach cancer...okay...that's next and then hopefully I am done?  And a healthy ox again LOL...so I can hike, dance, yoga, cardio or whatever to my hearts delight?  Hoping so... :)

Almost done I hope...yay!!!!!

Numb inside?

Yesterday was a rather strange day as a whole for me.  I quite literally was "numb" from any kind of emotion.
No joy, no anger, no nothing, the day just existed, the work just progressed, and it wasn't even mind numbing, I was just emotionally non-existent.

I don't understand why of course but maybe with the mania of my life as of late this was just my way of letting down, letting go, definitely not letting loose, or just letting it all be.

It, of course, concerned me at first that "brain" part that tells you this is odd and wrong, you should feel something, anything, just definitely something.  I felt nothing.

I felt a bit like a robot going through the motions of the day but that was okay and "right" even though it was not supposed to be that way.

The only thing that seemed to spark anything inside was the thought of going for a hike, even the shortest of ones (2.5-3 miles).  Getting to the park that was my old daily stomping ground, the difficult trails that helped me drop my weight initially and even "warned" me of negative things to come in my life, was a good thing to go do.

These were familiar steps, paths, branches, waterways...a type of home.  Coming home to a safe and productive place, that was looking out for me even during desparate and scary times for me. 

Changing into my hiking boots, donning the day packed loaded as full as I could fill it and starting out...I felt an energy coming back to me.  The sun was literally caressing my skin, especially as I put my sunscreen on to protect my awesome ink in my skin...I knew this was the perfect thing for me to do. 

Taking on the toughest trails there, but again having to watch the time kept what I "wanted" to do to the minimum or I might still be hiking around the place this very moment.  I took the longest route and the most difficult trails in the direction that would push me the hardest. 

Feeling the sweat dropping from my nose, the breath fighting to get air, I knew I was alive inside again.  I never thought myself dead...far from it, but this was "my" time, this was for me, this was my "home", this was my challenge, this is what my body needed.  My muscles would start to feel the burn and slight ache from the angle of ascent on the trail and I would only for a moment consider pausing but I didn't.  I didn't dare in my head, for I am stronger than that...so not a pause was to happen until I returned safely back to my car.  And not a pause happened.  I pushed myself again.

The hike allowed me to feel alive again, the numbness left, a new found energy entered me; so now I need to honor it and use it to its fullest.  Remembering I am here for a reason and I am doing things in my life for a reason...be it being with Mr Man, be it dancing and teaching the dance I love (to the wonderful students that have blessed my dance floor), be it hiking and feeling the life that is out there or whatever else is planned for me.

Today was definitely not numb quite the opposite almost too much, but these feet will touch another trail and these lungs will breathe in the air that this Mother Earth has provided, along with seeing and being a part of the beauty she created.

Namaste'

Too late a start :(

It seems that life is throwing in those "late" starts or Murphy decides to visit a bit much lately.

Between all the remodel Murphy visits of late - this weekend has provided even more. 

We finally got to celebrate our birthdays privately only a week or two after them, but it was wonderful.  Movie was disappointing but that is a whole other thing, dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse stole the show for the evening for us both.  We needed that spoiling of ourselves.  Plus, the following day was to involve a hike...a hike that is considered one of the most difficult or strenuous in the Snoqualmie Pass with a 1500 ft/per mile ascent (and descent cause ya have to come down)...called Mailbox Peak.

I have to admit I allowed myself to get intimidated by the information I read about the hike.  Afterall, I am not at my tip top conditioning like I was 18 months or so ago.  Added weight and not being able to do the hikes on a regular basis I just knew we were nuts for trying this one.  It got bad enough in my head that I opted to even leave my day pack behind...good decision for my bod, but that meant my water went into the other pack making it heavier for Mr Man...oops.  Well, he said it was fine and such...he was amped for the hike.  He has not been out for a real hike in a while so I wondered.

The hike was gorgeous and yep, it was exactly as it was described, but alas due to time constraints with us starting too late we did not make the top. :(  We were about 45 mins to 1 hour from the top, so about 2/3rds or better to the top when we opted to turn back.  It was a smart thing to do that day.  Mr Man was having a tough time, and I could have made it to the top but by the time we got back to the car the downhill slope had been tearing up his knees and my feet a bit much, so turning back when we did...good thing.  Plus, what other obligations we had that evening we got to on time.

Will we do Mailbox Peak again...YOU BETCHA...it was worth the climb we did do.  A physical challenge, quite pretty with peakboo views along the way and just an all round great challenge physically.  I needed that push and that overcoming of the intimidation of the hike.  Next time, all the way, and with my day pack. :) 

Rock the hell on!!!!!
Mailbox Peak will have a delivery from me soon!

two steps forward, three steps back, four forward, hitting a rock....

My personal mountain is rocky, uncertain ,and frustrating in an among the wonderfulness that presents itself.

I am very frustrated with my pains, my weight, my ambitions and goals being sidelined every time I turn around.

The doctor's are being helpful and trying to find the source of my abdonminal pains...we may have found that source.  But we haven't even addressed the pain in my left arm/elbow and the weaking that is occurring as a result of the pain limiting my range of movement.

As my weight remains at the higher range than I personally want, the pains continue to reappear in my knees...that sucks too.

Summer time was my moment to push myself outside and get a renewed energy from the sun...which has kept itself mostly hidden...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The backpacking trip that was planned for the Fourth of July never happened, but we were still productive in the house, but I so needed to have some sunshine and at least a hiking trip but it never happened. 

I am stressing, I am trying to continue a forward motion but I feel as though I have returned to three or so years ago in my path to better health...regression not progression...that is unacceptable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun...please come out and let me progress with you. :)

Craziness?

The weekend was gorgeous and full beyond what I thought it would be.

More house demolition for some remodel stuff happened, but after some new tattoo color, a motorcycle ride and then opting to stay home for the night since....I was in pain from the aloe gel that got put on the new tattoo work that burned beyond anything I have felt in ages, after showering to rinse it off and exhausted from the pain made for a snuggles and "try" to sleep night.

Then, getting up at "oh ick thirty" in the morning to watch a specific World Cup game was both good and bad.  Making a drive to the airport, then back right after the game.  Stopping to collect more paint chips and another errand stop while contending with a tender back, caused me to fall asleep on the couch instead of going outside to enjoy the sun.  But then I had to create a music set, get it sent off, handle some house stuff, and go teach dance, come back to finish some house stuff, start taking the doc appt prep stuff, just made the weekend fly by so there was no hike for me or new photographs to share from the sunny weekend.

Gads, then I wonder why I am tired...guess that summed it up for this last weekend. Sheesh.

Tests: Pass or Fail?

I go to the gym, I try to hike as much as the weather will allow, which isn't much this year, I am sketchy at best on some of the foods I am taking in, and I am now in constant discomfort not only with my weight currently, but with pains that have come up now on a daily basis.  I am never pain free, I am pain reduced but I am always in pain.

I am finding this is making it difficult to maintain any kind of positive outlook or attitude to push myself even harder with working out and such.  When I workout/hike etc that causes a different "positive" pain (the "no pain no gain" thingy) in conjunction with the unwanted pains.  So, I am torn in regards to how much pain I can deal with daily. 

With these pains, my weight has not reduced it has increased over the last 10 months by 10-12 pounds, a total gain in two years of 18-20 pounds of the 60-65 I pushed hard to lose.  So, I get down on myself over this, but then I wonder if the pains I have are the cause of the gain, so is this partially a medical reason?

Well, I finally hit the wall with dealing with these pains and started down the road with the doctors. 

I don't know what the outcome is going to be all in all, but we have found out that I do have some things going on that we caught.  Nothing that was life threatening but always if left unattended it could become so...but I am not in a life threatening situation currently.  I just have pains and discomforts that are undetermined at this point and those things "found" normally are not a cause for pain, hence a bit of confusion and concern as to what is causing the pains.  Are you dizzy yet?

I am and I am writing it... ;)

So, I just completed my fifth doctor's visit in less than a month and I have three more to go at this point.  Let's hope that we can figure this out quickly and non-surgically, or at least non-envasive.

There is the latest and greatest update....

I am still going to the gym regardless of the pain, and this weekend should be nice so I am going to get a day hike in at some point!!!!!!!!  I need it.

Camera at the ready too. :)

Latest Mini Adventure!!

Ok, the day was gorgeous and the late afternoon was just as gorgeous so off we went to Tiger Mtn to go to the West Summit #3 and see what we could. 

It couldn't have been more beautiful and for the first time after the many times I have been at the top I actually saw the top of Mt Rainier...wow, that tells you how clear it was that day!!!!

A 6 mile (approx) round trip carrying a 26.5 pound pack (not quite as heavy as at BB) but it still managed to get my attention.  A good thing.  My legs were a bit wobbly, but I do attribute that to becoming more aware of my food intake so I might not have had enough before starting out, but this time I was smart and ate something at the top :)  Get that energy back up a bit LOL.

My legs remained tired for a couple of days but with a 3 hour dance intensive on the following Saturday I knew I was going to get my "workout" leg wise again. LOL

The trip was uneventful as a whole but it was a good trip nonetheless!!!! Much needed, and now I have to figure out the next one.  I would like to try another trail but I will do what I have to do to keep sunlight and timing close to home/work for now until I can get my full swing on with my hiking...shouldn't take too long :)

WTF?

Why mess it up for everyone just to try to get your violent rocks off? 
Okay, I am a bit hacked off that someone got attacked recently on a very well traveled trail by someone who wanted to do more harm to his victim than he was able to do.  Good for her in fighting back and getting to her trail work crew but damn she shouldn't have had to do that at all.  She was there to better the trail and the environment for the hikers coming and going on the trails to help them be safe and the environment maintain its integrity. 

There will always be violence in the world because there are living creatures on it.  Some violence is actually out of survival, but other violence is just the need to be mean or kill for their own self-gratification in whatever manner that means.  Blood lust, violence against women or fellow human being period, vandalism, destruction, whatever you want to call it.

Just not right...so if you are hiking along be aware of your surroundings, always on guard but remain friendly, and listen to your instincts don't disgard them, there is a reason your hackles went up. :)

Self Doubts...

are running rampant in my head, but I still forced myself to do a hike that was a close simulation of the incline of the mountain without snow. :)

I hate I had to feel  like I forced myself but I did.  But I did it anyway.  I was glad I was doing it even though I was feeling uncertain along the way, but felt great once I was done.

I was in the Detroit, Oregon area this weekend, where it is beautful country.  I had done part of this hike three years ago, the last time I was there.  When I did it this time, I found out that previously we had not gone as far as we thought we had nor did we have the incline that we thought we were doing.  I did it this time and whoa! 

The first part of the hike (Spotted Owl Trail) is extremely easy with some slopes and some footbridges to cross over waterways so plenty of scenery right there on the lower elevation of around 2,200 feet above sea level.  The trail then split into two, a continuation of Spotted Owl and the Cliff Trail.  The Spotted Owl was more of a gradual climb to another connection of trails, where the Cliff Trail was more direct and had a steep part leading me in the direction I was trying to go (plus it was the trail we had done before), so of course that is the direction I opted. :)  This was a good climb and much easier to do this time, even though I have put some weight back on I still am smaller than the last time there, and my pack was about 35-40lb instead of the 5-10 three years ago. :)  I was struggling at first but it didn't take long to get my rhythm again.  That I was surprised about honestly.

I made it pretty comfortably to the Cliff overview, but I didn't go there because I wanted to make it to the Devil's Lookout off the Devil's Ridge Trail and ultimately to the Devil's Peak. (6.6 miles roundtrip and 4,625 elevation at the top) 

The weather was intermittent at best, some sun breaks, some sprinkling of rain, along with some winds, but I was prepared so I troded along, trekking poles helping me keep my pace and of course steadying me on those steps that were as tall as my legs are long. :)

There wasn't a soul on the trail anywhere, any how.  Not coming back, not going out, nothing...it was all mine.

As I started the more obvious 25% grade incline, I felt it in my legs a bit but the pack didn't even seem like it was there.  A nice change up from a bit earlier in the hike...my tummy wasn't happy so it was making hiking uncomfy too.  I did stop to take off my rainjacket since it appeared that the sun breaks were becoming more frequent and drink some water, but as I progressed I was wrong about the weather, fortunately, I was working hard enough that I was pretty comfortable without it on as long as I was moving.  So, I kept moving. :) 

The trail was amazing in its climb up the hill or whatever you want to call it, but you could see it wasn't as well traveled as the lower trail so it did become more work not only because of the incline but it wasn't as "packed" down or as wide a trail.  Devil's Ridge Trail is a good name for it because when I hit the Devil's Lookout area it was literally a ridge the trail was on a very narrow area on top of the hill.  It wasn't like I had one foot on each side of the ridge but it was narrow enough I could see down both sides of it enough. :) 

I just kept going, because I was so close...as I ascended further up the trail the weather was continually changing since now I was approaching the level of some of the clouds that were coming in.  The hills that were across the valley had snow on them, I was lucky I didn't have to trek through snow, but it was gorgeous to see it straight across on the other hills.  Obviously, this meant it was getting cooler the higher I was going, since the sun was not really out at that point. 

As I was at the Lookout heading to the Peak I started feeling something pelting me.  It wasn't hail, but it was was sleat/snow, all I could do was chuckle at the point and starting watching the weather even moreso now, but again, I kept going.

It was the most spectacular spot the top.  Whether I was actually at the Devil's Peak or within in .1 mile of it, it didn't matter because I was absolutely at the top of the hill (I think the Peak was down and a ledge area that overlooked the valley)...I wanted to be at the top of the hill and I was. :)

I took a series of panoramic photographs, which I will share once they are downloaded, but I was pleased to be at the top.  I put my jacket back on obviously and I ate my protein bar to make sure I had the energy to get back down....remember a 25% grade is just as dangerous if not more so going down. :)

The weather was starting to pick up and I paid attention.  I finished my bar, had my jacket and gloves on, put the pack back on, grabbed my poles and headed out.  Of course going down is a quicker pace than climbing but I still had to watch my step.

The winds even got to mess with me a bit.  As I was moving along, I suddenly heard what sounded like a deep low growl.  I froze and listened.  A second, softer but low growl came again.  I very slowly turned in the direction I heard this...oddly it was down hill.  I watched and listened barely breathing, another growl...but this time the growl was when two trees were slightly moving, my eyes traveled upwards to see the trees were sort of wrapping around each other, the wind blew again...the trees growled against each other as the wind blew.  I swallowed my heart and started down the trail again, of course, taking one complete look around to make sure there were only trees and me. :)

The rest of the hike was pretty uneventful other than enjoying the view in reverse, and making sure of every downward step.  My legs were starting to feel the hike in how tired they were becoming but not so tired I had to stop.  It was a wonderful hike and a good push for me.

I still have some personal self doubts but I think my head is just in a weird place right now and I have to find a way to get it back on track. :)

I did conquer that mountain, now to still working on conquering my head.  I couldn't be more pleased about the hike...I did it. :)

Gorgeous Day

I got back from Hood River late last Saturday night in order to be able to spend even the smallest amount of time with my partner. He had actually flown back into town due to a photography workshop he was attending, a brief visit but anyway.

Sunday took him back to the workshop and left me with a day to have to myself, well sort of, but I took it for me anyway. The day couldn't have been more beautiful and I knew the crowds would be out in droves. That was okay, I needed to go for a hike to enjoy the sun too. So I did.

I opted for Rattlesnake Ledge again mainly cause the hike was a good climb, easily accessed with crowds, and it is quite the view at the top and my time was limited for I had a dance class to teach too, so clock watching was imparative.

I quickly loaded up a backpack making sure this time it was 25lbs, grabbed my new trekking poles that were a present to me, and off I went. As expected the area was crawling with people and dogs, and, and, and....

I just focused on what I wanted to do and accomplish and I did it.

The hike wasn't as stressful as it could have been...YAY...but I did work....YAY! The view was exceptional this day too. The only thing I had issue with is "hiking etiquette"...it is a pet peeve of mine as it is turning out.

What is hiking etiquette you ask? It is yeilding "the right of way" to another hiker or being courteous of other hikers when on a trail...wow, manners? Imagine that.

Hiking is a fun activity as it should be for those that like it. But it is also a dangerous activity, since there are trails slightly rocky or narrow or slippery etc. Accidents do happen, people have been know to be killed if not just injured, in fact on Rattlesnake Ledge a man slipped and fell to his death from up there. Not an activity to be taken lightly. :)

So with that, I try to be very aware of other people on the trail and I always say hello or acknowledge with my eyes as I am trekking along. I even give way to those that are overtaking me because they have longer legs and "they win" that way. But, a lot of people don't do that or maybe they don't know...I don't know. I do know it is irritating, especially when people are being reckless not only with themselves but potentially with others on the trail.

One major rule is yield to those going "uphill", so that means all those people coming down very easily, let the struggling person going up...go first. :) Plus that slows down those people coming down since momentum can take over at times. :)

One of these reckless events actually caused me an injury from this last trip.
I literally got my shoulder slammed by a young man that he and his buddy had decided the "needed" to run down the trail on their way back to their car. Regardless of other hikers going up or going down...they needed to run and run around and nearly over people to accomplish this task. In the process, they were running around a family with young children, and I was coming up. There was enough room for this family and I to pass one another with out having to stop. Then out of "nowhere" two guys bolted between the family and myself and I got nailed by the second guy when he tripped on the rocks slamming into me and nearly taking me down. Neither of us fortunately tumbled but he kept going, never looking back. Even his buddy asked if he was ok, he responded and never looked back or said a word to me.
I don't have a bruise that shows but my shoulder has a tender spot. I, of course, kept going because I wasn't going to let that stop me but it didn't make for a pleasant hike at that moment.

I had to let it go in the moment and just keep focused. I regained that but it is still a bone of contention with me ... hiking etiquette.

ROCK ON!!!

Yes, I feel good nana nanana na....wow

Yes, I am thoroughly surprised at how I felt after working out last night. I felt like my old self 15lbs lighter...ok need to be 15+lbs lighter again but that is another story at the moment.

After nearly two weeks of feeling like crap or worse, after I worked out yesterday at the gym, I felt energized beyond words.

The weird part - I didn't do anything differently at the gym. ????? :/ seriously.

The only thing I can figure is my foods now.

So, in order to conquer the big mountain I have to conquer me in order to be fit as a fiddle to take on the big one - so that means figuring out what foods I can and can't have period. This is nothing "dieting" related either, a serious change in foods again. Fish and veggies (mainly veggies) seem to be what my body wants, with the occasional meat protein, then some fruits and non-fat dairies on occasion. So guess I need to pay attention even more so now.

I have a family history that suffers from digestive tract disorders and as I age I am seeing and experiencing more and more of it. I am finding that I need to limit myself to a level that I never needed to before. The adventure in this is not a fun one, it is one wrapped in weight changes, tummy discomforts, bodily discomforts as a whole, and just plain feeling miserable not only in my body but about myself on top of it, so it actually affect my overall mood too. Well, why wouldn't it, I feel uncomfy, so of course then I become less than perky - that is a given, but it does weigh into more of my self-esteem than it should.

I have always had self-esteem issues, no matter how successful I was at something, I never felt good enough, or successful enough in my ventures in life. A story that most everyone has in life, I am not special that way at all. I am better but those old triggers still seem to poke at me, when they shouldn't. I am not a child anymore and history is history, but it is how I came to be who I am, so of course they are lurking in the woodwork as it were.

This is why it is important to me to succeed in this venture.

I have a mountain to conquer...both inside and out, and based on yesterday, I might have a good start after all. Hmmmmm.... got to have bumps in the road making the destination a true success story. Makes ya want it all the more that way if you get over those bumps and it become closer to being the success story.

Nothing conquered...

but headaches and some exhaustion.

I did do some hiking this weekend like I shared but it seemed that Tuesday rolled around and my body just starting rebelling.

I haven't worked out since Monday night and that was a push for a bit. I am feeling like I am hitting walls before I have even really gotten out of the starting gate. I am not sure why either.

I know that I am not eating as good as I should yet but I think my body is telling me to knock it off NOW! I ate very healthy yesterday when I was out of bed long enough to be hungry and eat until last night then I succumbed to some processed crap. I feel like I am going to burst even yet.

Today, was strictly some yogurt and as it turned out some mixed nuts since that is all I wanted but how do I feel...like crap!

I am not sure what to do other than just cut out any processed anything that is high in sodium and such. I was fine until I ate the nuts :( but I like nuts...good sources of protein and mostly good for you fats especially when hiking, but wow, it did start to bring my headache back on.

So tonight I am going to the gym. I am going to push myself but yet be very aware of what my body says and not give in but also not go too far.

This is really becoming quite the adventure just in living day to day before I even layered on the Mountain conquering. I just want to get back to the simple day to day hike with pack feeling invigorated and alive without feeling like an old bat trying to do too much...I hate that and I don't want that at all. I really don't but I am hitting these walls.

I have to break through them. I recently had a physical and got a clean bill of health and even told I had the heart of an athlete, now I think it is a occasional workout heart...I want my athletic heart and more athletic body back regardless of my age.

So, again, I am going to the gym tonight...I HAVE to do this for me!!!!

Ramble over.

Ol'Faithful...

well, old faithful in the means that where I went to move my body was the place that I frequented daily for over a year after work to go hiking.

It is a shorter hike but definitely intense, especially getting back out on a daily basis again.

Since starting this a few days ago - making sure to get out every day, my poor legs are just trying to rebell a bit, not so bad that I will stop but they are a bit tired :) YAY!

I didn't take a pack yesterday because it was more about getting in and getting it done as quickly as possible, and to take the hardest route the park has to offer. And I did it. :)

I knew I would but I wanted to do it fast, so yes I ended up jogging about 1/3 to 1/2 of it. Okay, I cannot jog up hill so that is why only a portion of the trails were jogged. :) Plus my falling off the carb cart didn't help it. Energy wise it was great but tummy wise it SUCKED!

But I managed to push through it regardless of my tummy and the cooler air trying to suck my breathe from me.

So the last couple of days I am back on track with my foods, and of course now that I am moving every day again....I can feel a difference starting again...thank goodness!!!!

Now to keep focused, focused, focused on the goal...Mt Rainier and me. :)

Two mountains to conquer.

I have to say the psychological portion of this mountain conquering is the toughest. I find myself sabotaging myself in my head, even though I am forcing my body. I have to get the two together on a more consistent basis again.

How does one find this consistency of head and heart and drive? By, just doing it? The Fake It Till You Make It theory...maybe, for now that is where I am at I guess. :)

I'll make it...even if I am faking it at moments. ;)

GOOORRGEOUS Day!

Saturday was a busy day all unto its own with photo shoots and no shows and running errands and attending a party that night, so any hope of getting out into the woods was a lost cause.

But the next day provided an opportunity even if it was "in the city" woods. :)

Life took us into South Seattle, but left me in Seattle for most of the day before dance class that evening. That was perfect for me because that was the opportunity to go to Discovery Park and "do the loop" I didn't take a pack because I was tired and my legs were a bit wobbly as it turned out, but I did take my camera which was heavy enough that day. But I enjoyed the hike, I tried to push myself but I was actually having some issues to start with, it was about 1/2 through that I started to level out again. I am not sure what that was about or if I was just tired enough...but I am going to do another hike tonight at the "ol'faithful place" before I visit a friend.

Afterwards, I headed to the studio to teach class...a good night. :)

tired? or under-nourished?

I guess I was a bit more worn out from the night's hike in the inclimate weather than I thought, but NATURALLY Friday night was gorgeous. Sheesh.

I did go work out, only to find that I might not have "fueled" up enough but that was ok. I plowed through the eliptical cardio, then did some upper body weights for my back and arms, then off to use the 8lb non-bouncing ball to do ab work - yes, the side to side thingy with the ball as I balance on my butt...sheesh, then finally off to do another fast walk before calling it a night.

I was pooped and realized I didn't drink enough water or had not eaten enough prior to the workout. A lesson in the fueling of the body the guy from RMI spoke of when climbing Mt Rainier...wow, didn't realize it before when I did the same damn thing, but now that I understand what is happening it made total sense. Doh!

So, the training lesson of the day (which I have experienced before but didn't "know" what happened)...yes, you need to eat and drink or the body will just say "done" and quit on you.

Now the better planning of my meals will happen and timing of when to eat will happen too. Eat only when I am hungry but make sure there are small snacks or something throughout the day even if the day only consists of snacking of the proper fuels my body needs ESPECIALLY prior to a hike or workout and during said hike or workout. :)

Headspace is coming back again...YAY!

My Review of Mountain Hardwear Yuma Convertible Pants - Women's

Originally submitted at REI

Whether backpacking through Europe or through the Arizona desert, you'll be happy to have these Mountain Hardwear pants-into-pedal-pushers along.

Mountain Hardwear Yuma Convertible Pants - Women's

Huge Surprise

By Miss Pinkie Pants from Redmond, WA on 4/9/2010

5out of 5

Pros: Breathable, Warm, Lightweight, Durable, Allows Free Movement, Comfortable

Cons: Too Long

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Gym, Cold Weather

I was looking for new pants as the summer backpacking/hiking season is upon us. I had been buying other hiking pants, which I do like, but once I tried these pants on I knew I had found a much more comfortable pant to move in.

The are light weight, have enough stretch to accommodate whatever layer amount that might be required for weather conditions and they moved well with the body when going over and around things in the great outdoors. :)

I was thrilled at home much more comfortable I was in these pants. The only downfall for me is the length but being I am only 5' it is a problem I have in general, so the only I could say is...make petite lengths :) and thank goodness for the drawstring in the hem. :)

Great pant!!!!!

(legalese)

Rattlesnake, Snow, and first step...

Since making the decision to climb Mt Rainier, there have been lots of ups and downs to the attitude that has to be in place before I can climb it.

Yesterday, I made a first definitive step towards my conquering. Listening to my friends for one, finding that trigger word to help me focus on what I NEED to do for me, and make those truly first steps towards the physical challenge of getting up that mountain.

Rattlesnake Ledge was the end result in our decision when we went hiking last night. Our first choice was Mt Si, but the one problem was weather conditions and thinking possibility beyond what our bodies could do since hiking has been less than optimum lately. Didn't really want to kill myself even though I knew full well I could make it. But I did want to walk and be able to up and down stairs the next day. :)

I can go up and down stairs but yes I can feel the work in my legs from our trek last night. Sure the hike was only 4 miles roundtrip, but it was cold and snow had fallen so bits of the trail was slushy and snow covered. So, the challenges for me was the added weight on my body, then adding extra weight on my body, (I did make sure to carry a backpack but not full weight, and proper weather condition clothing), but on top of that the other challenge - I suffer from cold weather or exercise induced asthma symptoms, so I had to pace myself early on so I could breathe. I didn't have much of a struggle with the cold air, but I could feel some exertions in my chest on a couple of occasions, but I was surprised at how quickly that dissipated and I felt like myself hiking just in colder weather.

I can't say my feet were saying the same. When I hit that 2.5-3 mile marker my feet are not happy and I have pains the likes of having frost bite that is thawing out. Not good....but it eventually levels out for the most part and I can manage. I think I need to get my feet checked out though.

Anyway...the first "honest" step towards my goals has been taken.

Baby steps and one step at a time.

First thoughts...

Wow, I am really putting this out there for the world to know and see.

I had made the decision to climb Mt Rainier a couple years back but things and life and attitude got in the way.

Originally, I was prompted to climb by a partner of mine at the time, but it soon changed into a goal to achieve for my mother. I was 46 at the time and I was talking with her about this "idea" of summiting Mt Rainier. She shared with me for the first time her dream to have been a Forest Ranger. I was surprised only because I didn't remember her mentioning this before, but I knew she loved the great outdoors. At the time she shared this with her mother, the times were such that "women didn't do that" even though it was not much longer when the first woman summitted K2. My mother was disheartened because her chance of doing what she wanted to do was pretty well dashed due to her own life experiences and environment.

I tried to encourage her to try it now. She graciously chuckled and honestly said, "if it had even been 10 years ago, I would have done it, but now I am too old and I can't do the things I used to..." My heart sank for her - 10 years previous would have made her 58 and here I am 46 at that time of our talk. I knew I needed to do it for not only me, but for her and her dream that she had missed out on.

Well, here I am now 48 and I was working hard at my training until life kicked me in the gut. I didn't stop training but slowly and gradually my training started to lessen and then it just became a workout, then now it is a once a week venture to the gym.

I had attended one of the guide workshops back then when this first started and I was greatly discouraged at what I heard, which I am sure played into me "allowing" myself to dwindle in my efforts. These thoughts, however, never left my head, so I attended another workshop with the guide service I was truly more interested in. Wow, night and day.

I have a renewed interest, and energy inside that says "I can do this" but something is still trying to hold me back. I am fighting with life - the life changes that involves a new love in my life and some of the things that having another person there will toss out at you.

I have to be true to me, accountable to me, do this for me, and for my mom as a secondary wish.

I have goals, dreams, desires just like everyone else, yet it was too easy to let it get kicked away, so now the battle to conquer a Mountain starts with conquering me....

So here begins the tale of the trails, trials, and tribulations to get to the top of Mt Rainier.