Reality hits...

First off...I have been called Narcissistic by a past relationship as it was ending.  I have been tormented by those words for years, I researched the term, the disorder etc, for quite a while - only to find that I am "normal" in that area of my personality ... for we all have some narcissistic tendencies usually brought on by insecurity or self confidence.  It is when it goes over the top that it is the negative and self-absorbed disorder.

This term has reemerged in my life but not about me...about some people in my life.  A term that is actually more intense that is a Narcissistic Sociopath.

Reality hit in the fact that I was raised by one, fortunately not as severe, based on the information out there but still one.  I have some conflicts that I am dealing with inside myself because of this knowledge and finding out how really unemotional they can be and self-absorbed and just "numb" to anything else in the world outside of themselves.  Secretive, deceitful, manipulative etc. *sigh*

Now, just because those words appear (and this is an overly simplistic description of the disorder because this is about how it affects me on a personal level...please research it out for yourself for more complete information if this resonates at all) does not mean we all fall into that category or those we love are Narcissistic Sociopaths. 

I have now found because I was raised by one, I over the years have been drawn to that type of personality, and wondered what I did to deserve the lack of love, the lack of empathy/sympathy, lack of emotion from my partners when the relationships were going on and were ending. 
Now, I understand.  It has really shown itself based on a more recent relationship that nearly destroyed me to the ultimate level.  I survived that relationship and its ending but it has tormented me for a long time since...now that I have had to face this personality disorder recently, I now see why I have been tormented.

My healing is finally here.  I have the most wonderful partner in my life, and honestly it confused me because it is so "not" like past relationships (thank goodness) and this partner unequivocally loves me, respects me, and wants me to be happy and happy with him. 
No his is NOT a puppy dog with me, we are quite equal in our relationship, and we compliment each other with each of our strengths and weaknesses, so we work very well together this way.  I am thrilled to come to find that he is not a Narcissistic Sociopath, maybe the cycle of that will be gone in my intimate personal life.

I know it is not gone in my life as a whole but now maybe I can thwart any problems with this sort of personality by keeping them at a personally safe distance from my insides. (Insides meaning emotionally.)

I have so much more to think on this and research but it feels good to acknowledge this and see it for what it really has been in my life and why.  Not a good thing, but it is part of what makes me and now I know how to deal with it.

Reality hits...
Now it is my turn to thwart its potential negativeness...
Keeping myself "real" "compassionate" as well as all the things I do express and feel has more meaning to me now.
Healing and self-preservation is a good thing too. ;)