status via Facebook 8/30/10:
I am finding myself really irritated tonight. I haven't felt good all day so I worked from home...bonus. However, I am still thinking about my father and I am thinking about all the stuff that has to get accomplished for my mother and I am thinking about some inconsiderate stuff that happened that shouldn't have....yes, I am a bit irriated but I am trying to shake it off....losing.
journal via another Social network 8/30/10:
too many thoughts tonight - I feel lost, I am losing myself in the process of all that has happened over time and especially with what is happening now.
Yep, service oriented I must be...but I am lost along the way. :(
journal via another Social network 8/30/10:
Life....
comes one day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Until the time it ends moving into another realm of "Life"...
The rest of us that remain when one leaves can be full of sorrow and dispair but it also can be so full that you don't know which way to turn to get all things settled to continue into the future.
That is my life right now...
Not what I thought it would be but it is...
so one step at a time...
and remembering to be patient with myself as well as others...
another breath, another step...
and trying to remember to smile for Dad - that he would prefer.
:::...Thank you so much Red...it is just so overwhelming the urge to scream from the highest rooftop/mountain or what have you. I am calmer now, but the memory remains on some of this that shouldn't have been there to begin with...but it is now, so am just trying to deal. :)
status via another Social network 8/30/10:
icyjazzy is feeling a range of emotions at the moment...hilarity, anger, disappointment...you name it...just irritated on lots of levels that are rousing these emotions.............
Here and now::::...
Wow...I am just full of hurt, anger, dismay, distress, and whatever other emotion that someone might attach to the events of this last week and then some. Guess it is starting to wear on me a bit...I have to remain the rock where necessary though...no other way to be.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Life Changes:::...
I wish I had written my thoughts down yesterday like I had intended. Yesterday was a good day for me, today is not so much.
I was not anticipating that at this stage in my life that I would be dealing with the death of my Father. He was vibrant, active, and yes, slowing down but full of life, but apparently his body said otherwise.
On August 19th, I saw my Father online - I messaged him, saying hello, and asking a question .... he never answered. He "never" never answers. Time passed and eventually the message light went out. Little did I know how profound that little light would be in marking when my Father died.
My Mother had contacted me and I contacted my Brother...all the stars had aligned apparently ...we pulled together instantly and were by my Mother's side as quickly as we could arrive. We got to see my Father "sleep" one last time.
Events started to have to unfold immediately...funeral home, finding paperwork...you name it - it had to be done as quickly as possible to start the process to help my Mother.
The funeral home, I called....they took longer getting there than any of us were comfortable with...while we got to share time if desired with Dad...it was starting to feel weird, we wanted him taken care of properly. They arrived and it was time for him to leave. He left with the Flag properly draped over him...he deserved this and had earned the Right. For he served his country proudly for 21 years in the Air Force, retiring as a Lt Col. This comforted all of us during this time.
Since then it has been nothing but one thing after another - being there for one another, trying to figure out what/why etc. since this was unexpected. But when we look back a lot of the indicators were there that this was going to happen soon, and fortunately, naturally. He was not ill, it was just "His time"....doesn't mean we like it but that is comforting in itself.
The days following have been quite the roller coaster ride. Decisions being made, that some might think were too soon or too rash, but we all have agreed so it means it is right for us. People have been supportive, but I have to say there are some situations that I am confused about...pushing the line of hypocritical but I cannot worry about others in that manner. They have to contend with that aspect within themselves, not me other than protecting those I love if need be. I am there for my family and making sure that my Father is properly honored, remembered, and respected in the manner he deserved.
The realistic part has not left me though...for my Father was not perfect, no Father is, and he had some severe issues that people have placed blame elsewhere and have cast a level of judgment that they have no right to do. This is the time to maybe make amends and heal. Unfortunately, my Father is no longer here to see this or be a part of it...but I hope he looks down and is trying to help it happen for family is truly the most important thing in life, we need to be there for one another.
Now, family is what you make it...chosen or blood, preferably both. :)
I was not anticipating that at this stage in my life that I would be dealing with the death of my Father. He was vibrant, active, and yes, slowing down but full of life, but apparently his body said otherwise.
On August 19th, I saw my Father online - I messaged him, saying hello, and asking a question .... he never answered. He "never" never answers. Time passed and eventually the message light went out. Little did I know how profound that little light would be in marking when my Father died.
My Mother had contacted me and I contacted my Brother...all the stars had aligned apparently ...we pulled together instantly and were by my Mother's side as quickly as we could arrive. We got to see my Father "sleep" one last time.
Events started to have to unfold immediately...funeral home, finding paperwork...you name it - it had to be done as quickly as possible to start the process to help my Mother.
The funeral home, I called....they took longer getting there than any of us were comfortable with...while we got to share time if desired with Dad...it was starting to feel weird, we wanted him taken care of properly. They arrived and it was time for him to leave. He left with the Flag properly draped over him...he deserved this and had earned the Right. For he served his country proudly for 21 years in the Air Force, retiring as a Lt Col. This comforted all of us during this time.
Since then it has been nothing but one thing after another - being there for one another, trying to figure out what/why etc. since this was unexpected. But when we look back a lot of the indicators were there that this was going to happen soon, and fortunately, naturally. He was not ill, it was just "His time"....doesn't mean we like it but that is comforting in itself.
The days following have been quite the roller coaster ride. Decisions being made, that some might think were too soon or too rash, but we all have agreed so it means it is right for us. People have been supportive, but I have to say there are some situations that I am confused about...pushing the line of hypocritical but I cannot worry about others in that manner. They have to contend with that aspect within themselves, not me other than protecting those I love if need be. I am there for my family and making sure that my Father is properly honored, remembered, and respected in the manner he deserved.
The realistic part has not left me though...for my Father was not perfect, no Father is, and he had some severe issues that people have placed blame elsewhere and have cast a level of judgment that they have no right to do. This is the time to maybe make amends and heal. Unfortunately, my Father is no longer here to see this or be a part of it...but I hope he looks down and is trying to help it happen for family is truly the most important thing in life, we need to be there for one another.
Now, family is what you make it...chosen or blood, preferably both. :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Emo crap?
Lately I have been having a tough time with my emotions.
Are they generated by my age, or are they generated by my medical issues currently, or are they generated by some other unidentified source? Well, obviously if I am asking the questions, I don't know.
I just know that I am more emotional than I have been in a long time, both in the highs of enjoyment and excitement, to the lows of sadness. Now, I am not running a maniac gambit, I just have the emotional roller coaster, but it seems to be a bit more obvious to me lately.
I try desperately to keep it away from others, unless I am "happy" LOL but when something other than happy I genuinely do "try" to keep that to myself, including not burdening it onto my partner.
While I am happy in my life, I am not happy with certain aspects it seems - duh, like the rest if the human race. It is just lately that it seems to affect me more emotionally...hence this post.
I am not sure what to do with it, other than ride it out, not give in to it, and just press forward but I have to say there are times it affects my drive in how I pursue things in life. While I have drive to do the best I can no matter what it is that I am doing, my drive to do the things wanes and waivers around. Sort of like procrastinating but it isn't about "not" wanting to do it ... just not feeling the drive to do it.
The emotional pull tends to feel as if I am fighting not only with myself, but with others around me with how this emotional issue affects me inside. I am NOT actually fighting with anyone, but it is that internal struggle.
I want to succeed, I want to achieve, I want to share, I want to be a part of whatever it is that I am being a part of, but it is a struggle inside at times. Fortunately with the medical stuff going on, yes, I am going to seek some medical advice on what might be a contributing factor.
I do know that I need to keep on keeping on as the old adage says, and do more endorphin boosting with my hiking and such. I tend to feel so much better when I am able to get out into the sunshine, expend some good physically challenging energy...but don't we all when we get ourselves moving. That part is a no brainer for me, but it is obvious that it might be a touch more than that...hormones? Crap back to that again...age? Whatever the basis, I will deal with it and pursue avenues to keep my head up, my smile going, and forge forward to do what I love to do and what to share with others.
Another mole hill trying to be a mountain...a smaller mountain to conquer. :)
Are they generated by my age, or are they generated by my medical issues currently, or are they generated by some other unidentified source? Well, obviously if I am asking the questions, I don't know.
I just know that I am more emotional than I have been in a long time, both in the highs of enjoyment and excitement, to the lows of sadness. Now, I am not running a maniac gambit, I just have the emotional roller coaster, but it seems to be a bit more obvious to me lately.
I try desperately to keep it away from others, unless I am "happy" LOL but when something other than happy I genuinely do "try" to keep that to myself, including not burdening it onto my partner.
While I am happy in my life, I am not happy with certain aspects it seems - duh, like the rest if the human race. It is just lately that it seems to affect me more emotionally...hence this post.
I am not sure what to do with it, other than ride it out, not give in to it, and just press forward but I have to say there are times it affects my drive in how I pursue things in life. While I have drive to do the best I can no matter what it is that I am doing, my drive to do the things wanes and waivers around. Sort of like procrastinating but it isn't about "not" wanting to do it ... just not feeling the drive to do it.
The emotional pull tends to feel as if I am fighting not only with myself, but with others around me with how this emotional issue affects me inside. I am NOT actually fighting with anyone, but it is that internal struggle.
I want to succeed, I want to achieve, I want to share, I want to be a part of whatever it is that I am being a part of, but it is a struggle inside at times. Fortunately with the medical stuff going on, yes, I am going to seek some medical advice on what might be a contributing factor.
I do know that I need to keep on keeping on as the old adage says, and do more endorphin boosting with my hiking and such. I tend to feel so much better when I am able to get out into the sunshine, expend some good physically challenging energy...but don't we all when we get ourselves moving. That part is a no brainer for me, but it is obvious that it might be a touch more than that...hormones? Crap back to that again...age? Whatever the basis, I will deal with it and pursue avenues to keep my head up, my smile going, and forge forward to do what I love to do and what to share with others.
Another mole hill trying to be a mountain...a smaller mountain to conquer. :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Aftermath:::...
Today is a better day than was the craziness of last week. A week of work wildness and prep for my day surgery.
Fortunately, the surgery wasn't a life threatening procedure it was a preventive one to remove a precancerous growth...so just gettin' it gone - but it was surgery nonetheless.
This was the first time I have had an "in operating room in a hospital surgery" that wasn't emergency generated. Sure I had my eyes done but I went to the office and I entered into their little medical procedure area that had surgical stuff but it wasn't in a hospital operating room. Sure I had my colonoscopy that they knocked me out in order to do it, but again, I went to their office, into their tiny pre-procedure area then the little room with medical "stuff" but it wasn't in a hospital operating room.
So, to say I was a bit nervous would be a fair assumption.
Fortunately, I was not alone, so that was a helpful thing for me to keep grounded since I have never had to "think" about surgery, it just always happened too fast to think about it. Well, it didn't help when my scheduled room time got pushed back by an hour and a half. Bleh...but I got less nervous as time wore on, now I just wanted to get it done and over with that day.
I got my wish, eventually. :)
The back end of the process was fast for me. The 90 minute recovery time allotment was only 55 minutes for me...mainly because I was awaken very quickly as the recovery room staff was moving/dressing/prepping me or whatever and they spotted my tattoos on my arms. Well, apparently that got everyone's attention, including mine as I popped right out of anesthesia so quickly that I was acknowledging them acknowledging my ink...well, that surprised them and boy they did whatever they were doing quickly LOL.
The pain I might have felt per the medical staff's warning, never appeared. Hell my normal cramping was worse than what I have been feeling all along, but I am being smart and keeping ahead of any discomfort with mild pain relievers...yay!
So, the weekend consisted of just not pushing but not just sitting on my ass either. I was nice that way. Nice to have the preventive stuff almost done now. Between the other precancerous growth removals, now I have a round of antibiotics to kill a bacteria that is the link to ulcers and stomach cancer...okay...that's next and then hopefully I am done? And a healthy ox again LOL...so I can hike, dance, yoga, cardio or whatever to my hearts delight? Hoping so... :)
Almost done I hope...yay!!!!!
Fortunately, the surgery wasn't a life threatening procedure it was a preventive one to remove a precancerous growth...so just gettin' it gone - but it was surgery nonetheless.
This was the first time I have had an "in operating room in a hospital surgery" that wasn't emergency generated. Sure I had my eyes done but I went to the office and I entered into their little medical procedure area that had surgical stuff but it wasn't in a hospital operating room. Sure I had my colonoscopy that they knocked me out in order to do it, but again, I went to their office, into their tiny pre-procedure area then the little room with medical "stuff" but it wasn't in a hospital operating room.
So, to say I was a bit nervous would be a fair assumption.
Fortunately, I was not alone, so that was a helpful thing for me to keep grounded since I have never had to "think" about surgery, it just always happened too fast to think about it. Well, it didn't help when my scheduled room time got pushed back by an hour and a half. Bleh...but I got less nervous as time wore on, now I just wanted to get it done and over with that day.
I got my wish, eventually. :)
The back end of the process was fast for me. The 90 minute recovery time allotment was only 55 minutes for me...mainly because I was awaken very quickly as the recovery room staff was moving/dressing/prepping me or whatever and they spotted my tattoos on my arms. Well, apparently that got everyone's attention, including mine as I popped right out of anesthesia so quickly that I was acknowledging them acknowledging my ink...well, that surprised them and boy they did whatever they were doing quickly LOL.
The pain I might have felt per the medical staff's warning, never appeared. Hell my normal cramping was worse than what I have been feeling all along, but I am being smart and keeping ahead of any discomfort with mild pain relievers...yay!
So, the weekend consisted of just not pushing but not just sitting on my ass either. I was nice that way. Nice to have the preventive stuff almost done now. Between the other precancerous growth removals, now I have a round of antibiotics to kill a bacteria that is the link to ulcers and stomach cancer...okay...that's next and then hopefully I am done? And a healthy ox again LOL...so I can hike, dance, yoga, cardio or whatever to my hearts delight? Hoping so... :)
Almost done I hope...yay!!!!!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Numb inside?
Yesterday was a rather strange day as a whole for me. I quite literally was "numb" from any kind of emotion.
No joy, no anger, no nothing, the day just existed, the work just progressed, and it wasn't even mind numbing, I was just emotionally non-existent.
I don't understand why of course but maybe with the mania of my life as of late this was just my way of letting down, letting go, definitely not letting loose, or just letting it all be.
It, of course, concerned me at first that "brain" part that tells you this is odd and wrong, you should feel something, anything, just definitely something. I felt nothing.
I felt a bit like a robot going through the motions of the day but that was okay and "right" even though it was not supposed to be that way.
The only thing that seemed to spark anything inside was the thought of going for a hike, even the shortest of ones (2.5-3 miles). Getting to the park that was my old daily stomping ground, the difficult trails that helped me drop my weight initially and even "warned" me of negative things to come in my life, was a good thing to go do.
These were familiar steps, paths, branches, waterways...a type of home. Coming home to a safe and productive place, that was looking out for me even during desparate and scary times for me.
Changing into my hiking boots, donning the day packed loaded as full as I could fill it and starting out...I felt an energy coming back to me. The sun was literally caressing my skin, especially as I put my sunscreen on to protect my awesome ink in my skin...I knew this was the perfect thing for me to do.
Taking on the toughest trails there, but again having to watch the time kept what I "wanted" to do to the minimum or I might still be hiking around the place this very moment. I took the longest route and the most difficult trails in the direction that would push me the hardest.
Feeling the sweat dropping from my nose, the breath fighting to get air, I knew I was alive inside again. I never thought myself dead...far from it, but this was "my" time, this was for me, this was my "home", this was my challenge, this is what my body needed. My muscles would start to feel the burn and slight ache from the angle of ascent on the trail and I would only for a moment consider pausing but I didn't. I didn't dare in my head, for I am stronger than that...so not a pause was to happen until I returned safely back to my car. And not a pause happened. I pushed myself again.
The hike allowed me to feel alive again, the numbness left, a new found energy entered me; so now I need to honor it and use it to its fullest. Remembering I am here for a reason and I am doing things in my life for a reason...be it being with Mr Man, be it dancing and teaching the dance I love (to the wonderful students that have blessed my dance floor), be it hiking and feeling the life that is out there or whatever else is planned for me.
Today was definitely not numb quite the opposite almost too much, but these feet will touch another trail and these lungs will breathe in the air that this Mother Earth has provided, along with seeing and being a part of the beauty she created.
Namaste'
No joy, no anger, no nothing, the day just existed, the work just progressed, and it wasn't even mind numbing, I was just emotionally non-existent.
I don't understand why of course but maybe with the mania of my life as of late this was just my way of letting down, letting go, definitely not letting loose, or just letting it all be.
It, of course, concerned me at first that "brain" part that tells you this is odd and wrong, you should feel something, anything, just definitely something. I felt nothing.
I felt a bit like a robot going through the motions of the day but that was okay and "right" even though it was not supposed to be that way.
These were familiar steps, paths, branches, waterways...a type of home. Coming home to a safe and productive place, that was looking out for me even during desparate and scary times for me.
Changing into my hiking boots, donning the day packed loaded as full as I could fill it and starting out...I felt an energy coming back to me. The sun was literally caressing my skin, especially as I put my sunscreen on to protect my awesome ink in my skin...I knew this was the perfect thing for me to do.
Taking on the toughest trails there, but again having to watch the time kept what I "wanted" to do to the minimum or I might still be hiking around the place this very moment. I took the longest route and the most difficult trails in the direction that would push me the hardest.
The hike allowed me to feel alive again, the numbness left, a new found energy entered me; so now I need to honor it and use it to its fullest. Remembering I am here for a reason and I am doing things in my life for a reason...be it being with Mr Man, be it dancing and teaching the dance I love (to the wonderful students that have blessed my dance floor), be it hiking and feeling the life that is out there or whatever else is planned for me.
Today was definitely not numb quite the opposite almost too much, but these feet will touch another trail and these lungs will breathe in the air that this Mother Earth has provided, along with seeing and being a part of the beauty she created.
Namaste'
Monday, August 2, 2010
Too late a start :(
It seems that life is throwing in those "late" starts or Murphy decides to visit a bit much lately.
Between all the remodel Murphy visits of late - this weekend has provided even more.
We finally got to celebrate our birthdays privately only a week or two after them, but it was wonderful. Movie was disappointing but that is a whole other thing, dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse stole the show for the evening for us both. We needed that spoiling of ourselves. Plus, the following day was to involve a hike...a hike that is considered one of the most difficult or strenuous in the Snoqualmie Pass with a 1500 ft/per mile ascent (and descent cause ya have to come down)...called Mailbox Peak.
I have to admit I allowed myself to get intimidated by the information I read about the hike. Afterall, I am not at my tip top conditioning like I was 18 months or so ago. Added weight and not being able to do the hikes on a regular basis I just knew we were nuts for trying this one. It got bad enough in my head that I opted to even leave my day pack behind...good decision for my bod, but that meant my water went into the other pack making it heavier for Mr Man...oops. Well, he said it was fine and such...he was amped for the hike. He has not been out for a real hike in a while so I wondered.
The hike was gorgeous and yep, it was exactly as it was described, but alas due to time constraints with us starting too late we did not make the top. :( We were about 45 mins to 1 hour from the top, so about 2/3rds or better to the top when we opted to turn back. It was a smart thing to do that day. Mr Man was having a tough time, and I could have made it to the top but by the time we got back to the car the downhill slope had been tearing up his knees and my feet a bit much, so turning back when we did...good thing. Plus, what other obligations we had that evening we got to on time.
Will we do Mailbox Peak again...YOU BETCHA...it was worth the climb we did do. A physical challenge, quite pretty with peakboo views along the way and just an all round great challenge physically. I needed that push and that overcoming of the intimidation of the hike. Next time, all the way, and with my day pack. :)
Rock the hell on!!!!!
Mailbox Peak will have a delivery from me soon!
Between all the remodel Murphy visits of late - this weekend has provided even more.
We finally got to celebrate our birthdays privately only a week or two after them, but it was wonderful. Movie was disappointing but that is a whole other thing, dinner at Ruth Chris Steakhouse stole the show for the evening for us both. We needed that spoiling of ourselves. Plus, the following day was to involve a hike...a hike that is considered one of the most difficult or strenuous in the Snoqualmie Pass with a 1500 ft/per mile ascent (and descent cause ya have to come down)...called Mailbox Peak.
I have to admit I allowed myself to get intimidated by the information I read about the hike. Afterall, I am not at my tip top conditioning like I was 18 months or so ago. Added weight and not being able to do the hikes on a regular basis I just knew we were nuts for trying this one. It got bad enough in my head that I opted to even leave my day pack behind...good decision for my bod, but that meant my water went into the other pack making it heavier for Mr Man...oops. Well, he said it was fine and such...he was amped for the hike. He has not been out for a real hike in a while so I wondered.
The hike was gorgeous and yep, it was exactly as it was described, but alas due to time constraints with us starting too late we did not make the top. :( We were about 45 mins to 1 hour from the top, so about 2/3rds or better to the top when we opted to turn back. It was a smart thing to do that day. Mr Man was having a tough time, and I could have made it to the top but by the time we got back to the car the downhill slope had been tearing up his knees and my feet a bit much, so turning back when we did...good thing. Plus, what other obligations we had that evening we got to on time.
Will we do Mailbox Peak again...YOU BETCHA...it was worth the climb we did do. A physical challenge, quite pretty with peakboo views along the way and just an all round great challenge physically. I needed that push and that overcoming of the intimidation of the hike. Next time, all the way, and with my day pack. :)
Rock the hell on!!!!!
Mailbox Peak will have a delivery from me soon!
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