Boundaries... (repost from FB Note)

That is always something that I have struggled with...having my own personal boundaries and keeping my own integrity, belief system, values, time lines, personal preferences as the priority not the secondary or tertiary or just plain the bottom of the pile to other peoples agendas.

I have always been most agreeable to most anything that was tossed out, suggested to do, or make or whatever in being a part of a team, but many a time I didn't "believe" in what was being done but I went along.  Occasionally I might offer another suggestion or say "I don't care for that but if that is what everyone else wants...okay".  Many a time I just didn't see it worth the "battle" (in my mind) to say "no" or "I don't think so"...

It took me many many many years to finally say "No" - either "I can't do that" "I don't have the time" "I can't commit to that level currently" or simply "I don't like that", etc.

The funny part (and not ha ha funny) is that when I was agreeable and all on board I "tried too hard" or when I stood up and say "No" then I was argumentative, questioning, or being a bitch.
Shit...where is the line drawn where I too can have the right to say "Yay" or "Nay" without being drawn and quartered for having my own agenda or values or integrity etc....you get the point.

I have been stunned over the years at the horrid things I have been accused of doing, or the double standard I was held to and not others... I just don't get it.
I finally had to resign myself to the idea that others needed justification in their mind to say what they did to justify what they were doing and maybe they truly believed it?  Okay...scape goat?  I don't know, but I had to be at peace in my own heart that I did the best I could with whatever I had in front of me to work with at the time.  In the end, it usually has ended up for the better for me.  Where I moved onto doing my own thing with my own ideas and my own values and I am personally happier from it in the big picture.

It still is a struggle on occasion when I hear or am reminded of something that happened and the twist that has now been spun on it, but then I remember the source and just try to put it out of my mind and get on with what I know and life in general.

We all encounter this, it is all left up to personal interpretation, and point of view - but please know my intent in life is genuinely honorable and good...but I am human and I screw up too.

Let's remember this of one another...we are all human but let's also try not to hurt others in the process of "getting ahead" and trampling over each others boundaries.  Let's keep that in mind when dealing with other human beings...we DON'T have to agree, but agreeing to disagree and come to an amicable resolution is a better solution than slicing and dicing up that other person along the way.

Time is passing .... (from blog post on Tribe)

the heart and mind are trying to heal and process, but there are moments in time when I think of my Father gone that it is just not real.

It is coming up on a month now since he passed so quietly and unexpectedly at home. It seems from the moment I arrived at the house, it was like I became my Father's keeper. Okay, that is odd sounding but let me explain.

Of course my Mother tended to his medical needs in getting help there to try to resuscitate him, but once I arrived it was me who organized what and when things were going

start happening when it came to Dad's spiritual home.
Contacting the proper place to get Him. I organized the appointment in order to make the decisions on what was going to happen with Him and making sure that proper things were in place for Him and my Mother's needs. And - when it came time to pick Him up, it was me - getting the opportunity to share our last Father/Daughter time together. Now, it seems that when it comes time to take Him to his final resting place, I again will be tending to Him, per my Mother's request.

Now, I do have a brother, who was there through part of this process, but it has been left to me to handle these things. Don't know if it has anything to do with being the oldest, or a "woman" or or or what....
It just is what it is...
The last month has been a blur in so many ways, with all the things that have to happen and need to happen...so as the day is approaching that Dad will be placed in his niche' the reality of it is really hitting home.

So much to still do for Mom but that day will finalize the reality of his death...I am not looking forward to this at all, bu I will do what I must - to honor Him and His memory as best I can...for I am His keeper.

Even in silly hats and playing a Satyr...I was the one there with them...keeping them happy and safe.

Reality hits...

First off...I have been called Narcissistic by a past relationship as it was ending.  I have been tormented by those words for years, I researched the term, the disorder etc, for quite a while - only to find that I am "normal" in that area of my personality ... for we all have some narcissistic tendencies usually brought on by insecurity or self confidence.  It is when it goes over the top that it is the negative and self-absorbed disorder.

This term has reemerged in my life but not about me...about some people in my life.  A term that is actually more intense that is a Narcissistic Sociopath.

Reality hit in the fact that I was raised by one, fortunately not as severe, based on the information out there but still one.  I have some conflicts that I am dealing with inside myself because of this knowledge and finding out how really unemotional they can be and self-absorbed and just "numb" to anything else in the world outside of themselves.  Secretive, deceitful, manipulative etc. *sigh*

Now, just because those words appear (and this is an overly simplistic description of the disorder because this is about how it affects me on a personal level...please research it out for yourself for more complete information if this resonates at all) does not mean we all fall into that category or those we love are Narcissistic Sociopaths. 

I have now found because I was raised by one, I over the years have been drawn to that type of personality, and wondered what I did to deserve the lack of love, the lack of empathy/sympathy, lack of emotion from my partners when the relationships were going on and were ending. 
Now, I understand.  It has really shown itself based on a more recent relationship that nearly destroyed me to the ultimate level.  I survived that relationship and its ending but it has tormented me for a long time since...now that I have had to face this personality disorder recently, I now see why I have been tormented.

My healing is finally here.  I have the most wonderful partner in my life, and honestly it confused me because it is so "not" like past relationships (thank goodness) and this partner unequivocally loves me, respects me, and wants me to be happy and happy with him. 
No his is NOT a puppy dog with me, we are quite equal in our relationship, and we compliment each other with each of our strengths and weaknesses, so we work very well together this way.  I am thrilled to come to find that he is not a Narcissistic Sociopath, maybe the cycle of that will be gone in my intimate personal life.

I know it is not gone in my life as a whole but now maybe I can thwart any problems with this sort of personality by keeping them at a personally safe distance from my insides. (Insides meaning emotionally.)

I have so much more to think on this and research but it feels good to acknowledge this and see it for what it really has been in my life and why.  Not a good thing, but it is part of what makes me and now I know how to deal with it.

Reality hits...
Now it is my turn to thwart its potential negativeness...
Keeping myself "real" "compassionate" as well as all the things I do express and feel has more meaning to me now.
Healing and self-preservation is a good thing too. ;)