Curve Balls?

Wow, it sure seems like the only time I post is when life is kicking me.
Well, here I am again...so I am trying to get that boot off my ass and flip the boot wearer outta my life.
I am tired.  I am fed up.  I am just over some aspects of life currently, but can I do a fucking thing about it...? Sure I can but will I do the only thing I can do?
What I am going to do is ride it out cause what I have invested is my heart, HOWEVER, I am realistic to the price tags that come with the investment.  If the price is too high then we shall see if it is worth it, but right now I have to admit putting up with shit that I normally wouldn't because of my "faith" in what life brought me to start with and what I feel in my heart is the path but this fucked up road is for the birds in trying to get there.
fortunately I do feel the love in return....
the trust has to get stronger again....
Enough said for now, for I have life to press on with and forward into...

Times gone by, Returning to haunt...

We all have sorted pasts in some fashion or another.  
Some of us have just antics that were juvenile pranks. Others have more serious lawbreaking antics that made the consequences pretty obvious.  
But others have pasts that have caused damage in us from the time of the event forward...in fact, I am willing to venture that most human beings actually have this issue in their past if not currently in their present.


I wrote a note on Facebook back on February 3, 2011 regarding Rape IS Rape....I will share it here and then continue with why... 

Having been a victim of acquaintence rape that produced an embryo at the tender age of 18 while in my first year of college, I know from which I speak. 

Rape is rape, no matter how it happens. 

I said "no" and I meant "no" did I struggle?  Yep I sure did.

Did I get bruising or signs of violence? No I did not.

So, what makes that scenario any less of a rape that a "forcible rape" that is by knife point or gun point or has cuts/bruises/lacerations?

It doesn't.  I still said "No" and it still happened.  The saddest part was this all happened about 1 year prior to this scenario being acknowledged as a Date/Acquaintence rape.  Did I have any protection or recourse at that point? No.  Did I have to seek out a means of terminating my pregnancy? Yes....the most dangerous way...I did it myself, since I had no means financially to seek out professional assistance.

I survived it, but I was never able to have children as a result.

Rape is rape, external bruising or not.

It is physically damaging and emotionally and psychologically damaging.

Don't let them change the definition or we will be going back to about 1978 in time.

Thank you.

From that point on it seems my life was nothing but continuous versions of abuses that apparently I thought I deserved.  From cheating boyfriends/husbands, domestic violence, verbally abusiveness, etc. to subjecting myself to emotional violations ....

I have issues regarding relationships and trust.

I have recently discovered that when stressed I have symptoms that don't show themselves at any other time.  I never thought twice these "symptoms" after all I am getting older and things in general are changing all the time.

         

Life has tossed some more stuff at me that I am desperately trying to survive this time and succeed.  But in that process it means some self-reflection on what is going on inside.  

I am NOT going to say I have this, but wow the levels of what happened in my life sure seem to fit it.....

I do suffer from some post traumatic-type syndrome - I won't get into what or which one, that is moot for the purpose here.  My purpose here is strictly to remember that everyone has something from their past that continues to haunt them regardless of how they appear or "talk."

What happens to me....(that I attributed to age)
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1. Acute Stage:  During this stage the individual may:

*seems agitated or hysterical or may appear totally calm - even called shock.

*crying spells, anxiety attacks

*difficulty concentrating, making decisions, doing simple, daily tasks

*little emotion, numb or stunned

*poor recall of the event or other memories

2. "Flight to Health" Stage: resolving issues emerges

*denial masking underlying problems to make efforts to establish routines and semblance of control.

*suppression of feelings so they don't have to handle the pain

The Outward Adjustment Stage:  "Normal Life"  but turmoil that can be manifested with the following behaviors:

*continuing anxiety

*sense of helplessness

*persistent fear and/or depression

*severe mood swings (e.g. happy to angry, etc.)

*vivid dreams, recurrent nightmares, insomnia

*physical ailments

*appetite disturbances (e.g. nausea, vomiting, compulsive eating)

*efforts to deny or lessen the impact of the event

*withdrawal from friends and/or relatives

*preoccupation with personal safety

*reluctance to go places that might remind one of the event

*hesitation about forming new relationships and/or distrusting of existing relationships

*sexual problems

*disruption of every day routines 

But the feelings do not go away as easily as before.

3. The Resolution Stage: 

*more acceptance of counselling or outside help

*dealing with feelings that are triggered

*anxiety talking about it but is ready to deal with it and move forward

*one step forward means potentially 2 steps back on the path of finding the way.

*eventually accepting the event as a part of their life and moving on from there.

Chances of the second stage may flare up at times but if no triggers the frequency and intensity will lessen in time.

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Part of the issue that can happen is the continuation of similar events, which further instills the triggers. This is what I have gone through and each time something of a similar situation emerges the worse my reactions seem to get...the total "fight or flight" kicks in and every sort of panic mechanism that can go off, does. Does this make me a weak person or a sick person or any other descriptive negative word for a human being with these issues?  Hell no. I am a strong person however, I am wearing down.  So my reactions might be more heightened and last longer then they did the last time I had to handle it. Does it make my desires to get over and move on from it any less valid if a trigger is hit and there is an apparent disregard for the feelings behind the reaction? NO.... So, while life is kicking me hard right now, I am still trying to move on and get over it....but it takes time, patience, and understanding. Communication is the key, and lots of it is happening to help keep from hitting triggers.   Pushing oneself in a safe environment to face some of the demons is a good way to start at least for me.  And the result, minimal emotional response and actual conversation that was productive, short, and moved onto the time being spent with the people involved face to face. Each day is a new day, a new line of communication, a new step towards an acceptable goal ... but patience and keeping the safe environment will allow it to happen and thus a happier outcome. ADDITION: While life is kicking me, I can honestly say that the relationship I am in currently has been the only one that has had a long standing value in it.  We all have issues, and run into problems, we are human.  But I do love the person I am with and I can honestly say, it see it in return...YAY