Surprise....I'm back at least for today. :)

I realized it has been three years since my last visit.  Wow, time flies despite why.

Three years and a lot happened and yet a lot didn't happen.

My world continued to crash around me, landing me jobless in April 2014 to finalize the three main reasons for grief. (Loss of life, loss of love, loss of job - the trifecta.)

I found myself in the world of the contract employee which was something I had zero desire to do, but keeping the roof over my head was imperative.  The dance studio I was renting in Seattle had to be let go because of the cost of the studio increasing and the fact my life changed so drastically from the previous 4ish years.  Teaching dance resulted in only happening in Tacoma.  Not a bad thing but honestly with everything else, my depression got kicked up the additional notch with the lesser teaching time and just trying to see if I could still keep any teaching going.

My heart, my body, and my spirit was quite broken.

My growth path in my "career" came to a screeching halt in my Export Control arena because I needed to fall back on my background as an Admin Asst.  Oh joy.

It is far from a bad job, but after doing a job of assisting for over 15 years was just enough in my book.  But there I was.

The only thing is that experience enabled me to not sit ideally even being as broken as I was in 2014.  It took a little while but I landed an Executive Admin job with Amazon ... maternity leave.  I learned SOOOOOOO very much during my tenure there.  I had no idea what I was learning other than some newer technical skills in the technical industry, but I also learned in hind site how the job market has changed and what matters to me. 
I needed to adapt not only in skills but also in how the world worked then and now.  Adapting to skills, but also language, and expectations of the "fit" opposed to the best skilled person.  It is about networking it seems.  It also is about what makes you happy, not just accepting whatever job just to accept a job.  I found out a lot there.

I was so inexperienced in the networking way and with being such an introvert, it honestly was one of the most (and still is) difficult things for me to do.

I moved on from Amazon to T-Mobile, and got reminded there about having fun, both with the company as a whole and working with a couple of awesome EAs that cared, but I also learned about those that label people by appearance and placing walls in the way. 
I apparently didn't met the visual expectation of one of the VPs which made it hard to actually do anything to the level they wanted.  I was set up to fail with that VP and so were the three people following me.  I have no clue if anyone succeeded, and it isn't my problem so I don't care past the fact it is a part of my growth.  I just miss the two wonderful ladies I worked with...back to that keeping in touch aspect I need to do.

My next adventure began immediately after T-Mobile with what was deemed by so many as "The Evil Empire" called Microsoft.  I used to joke that way just because...no excuse I just did.  I don't any more.

My time there had its ups (awesome teams and Directors I supported) and downs (contract ending sooner than expected) but luckily the last year there was where I got to find me again.
I worked with the best team, and my direct boss there apparently understood more than I realized.

I can never speak highly enough of my experience there.  My feeling a part of the team even though I was a vendor and how I was allowed to find my feet and given the gift of having a lot of "cheerleaders" in my corner there.  I am very humbled by that part of the equation.  I have found friends there not just coworkers.

Which I need to touch base with in a few days. :)

The biggest change has occurred and I couldn't be more thrilled.  I keep feeling like I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming.  I have a new job that ISN'T a contract position.  A position enabling me to get back into the field of export control even if cursory.

I am again a contract administrator with an aerospace company (not Boeing). ;)  Part of my joking around.  Boeing is a good company but I am not there. :)

I am just thrilled to get into the meat of the job but it takes time to learn the products and the processes/procedures at this company.  So, yes, I know I have to be patient with myself and what I need to learn which is a lot.

So what else has all this time and change taught me.

I need to love myself. I need to trust in myself...duh I know.

For the first time ever in my dating life, I did start "seeing" someone in a rather casual way back in 2014 since I was definitely not open to a relationship.  A friends with benefits sort of thing I guess you might call it.  If that honestly in looking back.

A relationship of that type lasting for two years was about 18 months too long.  Normally those types of hook up only last a short time, but for some reason it went two years.  I am the one who decided I was looking for more if there was going to be a relationship.  I laid down the rule.  A new thing coming from me.  The physical relationship has ended, not that we weren't a good "connection" in that way, but it wasn't enough.  I, also, was discovering how difficult this person was in their political direction and their machismo....Italian American descent from New York state.  Ok, I do understand it, but it was becoming difficult for me to stomach for anything longer than just the sex.  But yet, he catered to me and treated me with a level of respect that I missed.  Just his focus was about sex and the pressure to have sex constantly which became old causing me to withdraw.
Much like a writing I read recently of a married couple who agreed to be sexless.  Once sex was off the "pressure" table the desire for sex came back....I work this way apparently.  Pressure me and I pull away.  Stop pressuring me and in time I will start coming forward and desiring it.  Humans need to stop pressuring one another and we might find we actually get what we want in the end.

Anywho...

Because my internal decision became an external decision, it seems to have affected my response to admirers from others.  I guess I am no longer interested in having what is being presented to me. Before my "need" for acceptance or looking for love might have let me start there in hopes of love coming from it, is no longer my way.  Back to the pressure thing.  The moment someone flirts and immediate taps into something sexual, I shut down currently.

Wow.....
It is like it flips my off switch.  I am tired of feeling like an object of sex or attraction, while I love sex and "making love," it isn't my focus.  I have learned how to shelve that side of me.  I need someone to show me, they see me...the inside part not just the sexual part.  I need the sapiosexual side not the horn dog side. :)

Enough of this side of me....

I am finding myself in a real growth period.  I just need to find my more motivation button.  I am better but I need more, and how not to get distracted so easily. :)

I guess this is all I have to say at the moment.  I had so many thoughts which seemed to have condensed or disappeared...don't know just is what it is.

I need to review occasionally too.

Taking a moment to read my former posts has shown me that certain thoughts were there a long time ago and not new ones currently.
I had forgotten that I had researched the PTSD symptoms before but now that triggers have been happening that came back into the thought path.
Guess I need to review my own words periodically so I can remember and use them to heal again.
Short and sweet.

Curve Balls?

Wow, it sure seems like the only time I post is when life is kicking me.
Well, here I am again...so I am trying to get that boot off my ass and flip the boot wearer outta my life.
I am tired.  I am fed up.  I am just over some aspects of life currently, but can I do a fucking thing about it...? Sure I can but will I do the only thing I can do?
What I am going to do is ride it out cause what I have invested is my heart, HOWEVER, I am realistic to the price tags that come with the investment.  If the price is too high then we shall see if it is worth it, but right now I have to admit putting up with shit that I normally wouldn't because of my "faith" in what life brought me to start with and what I feel in my heart is the path but this fucked up road is for the birds in trying to get there.
fortunately I do feel the love in return....
the trust has to get stronger again....
Enough said for now, for I have life to press on with and forward into...

Times gone by, Returning to haunt...

We all have sorted pasts in some fashion or another.  
Some of us have just antics that were juvenile pranks. Others have more serious lawbreaking antics that made the consequences pretty obvious.  
But others have pasts that have caused damage in us from the time of the event forward...in fact, I am willing to venture that most human beings actually have this issue in their past if not currently in their present.


I wrote a note on Facebook back on February 3, 2011 regarding Rape IS Rape....I will share it here and then continue with why... 

Having been a victim of acquaintence rape that produced an embryo at the tender age of 18 while in my first year of college, I know from which I speak. 

Rape is rape, no matter how it happens. 

I said "no" and I meant "no" did I struggle?  Yep I sure did.

Did I get bruising or signs of violence? No I did not.

So, what makes that scenario any less of a rape that a "forcible rape" that is by knife point or gun point or has cuts/bruises/lacerations?

It doesn't.  I still said "No" and it still happened.  The saddest part was this all happened about 1 year prior to this scenario being acknowledged as a Date/Acquaintence rape.  Did I have any protection or recourse at that point? No.  Did I have to seek out a means of terminating my pregnancy? Yes....the most dangerous way...I did it myself, since I had no means financially to seek out professional assistance.

I survived it, but I was never able to have children as a result.

Rape is rape, external bruising or not.

It is physically damaging and emotionally and psychologically damaging.

Don't let them change the definition or we will be going back to about 1978 in time.

Thank you.

From that point on it seems my life was nothing but continuous versions of abuses that apparently I thought I deserved.  From cheating boyfriends/husbands, domestic violence, verbally abusiveness, etc. to subjecting myself to emotional violations ....

I have issues regarding relationships and trust.

I have recently discovered that when stressed I have symptoms that don't show themselves at any other time.  I never thought twice these "symptoms" after all I am getting older and things in general are changing all the time.

         

Life has tossed some more stuff at me that I am desperately trying to survive this time and succeed.  But in that process it means some self-reflection on what is going on inside.  

I am NOT going to say I have this, but wow the levels of what happened in my life sure seem to fit it.....

I do suffer from some post traumatic-type syndrome - I won't get into what or which one, that is moot for the purpose here.  My purpose here is strictly to remember that everyone has something from their past that continues to haunt them regardless of how they appear or "talk."

What happens to me....(that I attributed to age)
*********************************************************

1. Acute Stage:  During this stage the individual may:

*seems agitated or hysterical or may appear totally calm - even called shock.

*crying spells, anxiety attacks

*difficulty concentrating, making decisions, doing simple, daily tasks

*little emotion, numb or stunned

*poor recall of the event or other memories

2. "Flight to Health" Stage: resolving issues emerges

*denial masking underlying problems to make efforts to establish routines and semblance of control.

*suppression of feelings so they don't have to handle the pain

The Outward Adjustment Stage:  "Normal Life"  but turmoil that can be manifested with the following behaviors:

*continuing anxiety

*sense of helplessness

*persistent fear and/or depression

*severe mood swings (e.g. happy to angry, etc.)

*vivid dreams, recurrent nightmares, insomnia

*physical ailments

*appetite disturbances (e.g. nausea, vomiting, compulsive eating)

*efforts to deny or lessen the impact of the event

*withdrawal from friends and/or relatives

*preoccupation with personal safety

*reluctance to go places that might remind one of the event

*hesitation about forming new relationships and/or distrusting of existing relationships

*sexual problems

*disruption of every day routines 

But the feelings do not go away as easily as before.

3. The Resolution Stage: 

*more acceptance of counselling or outside help

*dealing with feelings that are triggered

*anxiety talking about it but is ready to deal with it and move forward

*one step forward means potentially 2 steps back on the path of finding the way.

*eventually accepting the event as a part of their life and moving on from there.

Chances of the second stage may flare up at times but if no triggers the frequency and intensity will lessen in time.

*********************************

Part of the issue that can happen is the continuation of similar events, which further instills the triggers. This is what I have gone through and each time something of a similar situation emerges the worse my reactions seem to get...the total "fight or flight" kicks in and every sort of panic mechanism that can go off, does. Does this make me a weak person or a sick person or any other descriptive negative word for a human being with these issues?  Hell no. I am a strong person however, I am wearing down.  So my reactions might be more heightened and last longer then they did the last time I had to handle it. Does it make my desires to get over and move on from it any less valid if a trigger is hit and there is an apparent disregard for the feelings behind the reaction? NO.... So, while life is kicking me hard right now, I am still trying to move on and get over it....but it takes time, patience, and understanding. Communication is the key, and lots of it is happening to help keep from hitting triggers.   Pushing oneself in a safe environment to face some of the demons is a good way to start at least for me.  And the result, minimal emotional response and actual conversation that was productive, short, and moved onto the time being spent with the people involved face to face. Each day is a new day, a new line of communication, a new step towards an acceptable goal ... but patience and keeping the safe environment will allow it to happen and thus a happier outcome. ADDITION: While life is kicking me, I can honestly say that the relationship I am in currently has been the only one that has had a long standing value in it.  We all have issues, and run into problems, we are human.  But I do love the person I am with and I can honestly say, it see it in return...YAY 

Cripes

A lot has been happening, so what else is new.

My work location moved, my mother moved, others are going to move, too much stuff needs to move, and omg, I tired of packing and unpacking my life.
*chuckles* the only packing I want to do right now is backpacking...but the spring time and sunshine are not really cooperating currently. *grumble*

But I can say on some levels things are starting to balance a bit, but then something else comes up.  Something else to worry about, something else to consider, something else that causes upheaval ... so we take that step forward to find out what it is and can be done.

With balance the sun is teasing us...so maybe just maybe the only packing I will do for a while soon will be the backpacking and hiking trips I long for and physically need.

My medical issues changing my body enough that I have packed on 25lbs from where I was a short three years ago is not only disheartening but down right frustrating.  But I am trying to maintain a positive attitude as I get teased by the sun with hopes of finding my means of weight removal.

I know I seem obcessed but when my top weight in life was 218lbs and I am just under 5 foot tall, that is just too round and the health issues in my family...good gawd.  So, I lost 48lbs the first time, the crap kicked in pushing me back up to 199lbs when I hit my "wall" slowly going back down to 185 then with some motivational help that I had...which honestly was minimal really but it apparently was what I needed at the time...it started to come off more quickly.  I finally found my college weight again and made it to a standing 123-125lbs (with a short glance at 120)...I stayed stable at that weight for two years. 

Then I met Mr Man...dinners and such caused me to gain 5lbs...but that stayed that way for nearly a year, then more life hit...the creep up began, the medical procedure was done and boom...here I am now the heaviest I have been in several years.

My doc would like me to be at 120, I just want to return to 125...so sunshine and hiking please help me find the way again :)

Along with that...a stress reliever for all the new found things that have been coming up...a more peaceful way of worrying and hoping for the best.  So far so good...come on sunshine...Momma needs a new pair of shoes (hiking boots that is)

Bouncing all over the place but finally arrived here...are you there?
Ta Da

Frustrated:::...

is an over used word but the only one that accurately describes things as of late.

Life in general has gotten to be overwhelming with all the deaths, the life upheavals, but also with a lot of joys mixed in.

My latest frustration has come to the dance, FORTUNATELY NOT with my students or classes but just the those that seem to propagate a lot of self promotion with no regard to the cost of their own integrity and ethics as well as to the community as a whole...it is amazing.  AND disappointing. :(

I think I will leave it at that for now cause I have shared some on my ucanto blog.

But onto better things on a personal level....I FINALLY got to go skiing and probably had the best ski day I have ever had in all the years as a skier.  Great snow, great company, no hurting feet, not hurting legs, no out of breath cause of the extra weight I pack now, the sun was out, and just an AWESOME day....*le sigh*

Then  I got in a short hike that didn't kill me, so while I might be slightly heavier my body is still strong :) RIGHT ON...now to push that envelope. :)

Mom's move is nearly complete and hauling bolts of fabric out of her vehicle what another workout that was great!!!!

Mr Man is back home and the house is starting to take shape again...those aspects are really starting to feel good so maybe some control will come back into my life again. :)

While frustrations ebb and flow from one aspect of life to another...maybe the swells will start being less huge and rocky into nice flows that we can float through unscathed. :)

I can hope and I will strive for that too. :)
YAY!

Stresses...

I can honestly say that this last year, while starting out pretty good, and having moments of utter bliss, had some of the worst and most stressful moments imaginable.
Are they going away since 2011 popped its head in...no, sadly enough.

The last year was full of financial whoas, illnesses resulting in deaths, and even an unforeseen death with my own Father.

August emerged and it seemed like the flood gates opened upon us.  Much like they are literally doing in various parts of the world currently.  I digress.

To have the world spin out of control from August 19th, 2010 and still is doing so has just been more than my body, head, and spirit has been able to endure and same with my partner...he is finally hitting his wall of tolerance to stress and of course work always can add its own layer of stress onto our personal lives too.  The frustrating part is there seems to be no end truly in sight. 

The fortunate part is our personal stresses, once we push our friends and family our of our lives is relatively stressful enough but manageable (rough but still manageable)...but we don't push our friends and family away because they are an important part to our lives.  So, we take on some of their stresses in being the supportive family members we are, the supportive friends we are (and chosen family members) on how to help them in their times of need.

Thusly, we have just now compounded our stress levels to heights that we shouldn't be but there we are...another Mountain to Conquer and hope it doesn't kill us while conquering it too.

We are trying to start to refocus ourselves on what we need to do in our own lives a bit better.  Setting some boundaries  up so we can make sure to remember to be there for others but not BE THERE ALL THE TIME for others to the point we destroy ourselves.  This is the path we seem to be following and that has to stop.

The upsetting part is that people seem to need us.  People we care deeply for both in family and friends that we consider like family - the chosen family members.  We don't want to turn our backs on any of them, nor will we, but we HAVE to find that happy medium ground or we will implode.

The affects it has already shown us is how we are relating to one another....can we say not so much and negatively.
The physical effects have been taking their toll with weight gain or not achieving weight loss with the efforts in place, tunnel vision episodes, and just plain mental shut down....exploding into moments of rage.  Fortunately not AT anyone overall but just a rage explosion that normally wouldn't have happened based on the trigger.

I so much more understand how all those people, when the economic downturned happened, started ending their own lives because it literally caused them to have a mental collapse.  I truly get it now.  (Wasn't unaware of how it could happen, just didn't personally understand the mind set...but I get it now).

So...what to do?
Don't know but now we are recognizing the problem is happening for us both, now we are taking measures slowly but surely to find our way to some peace inside and finding a means to let the stresses go or at least help them lessen.

A mountain to be sure that we have to conquer....
Then the next step can move forward in life.